Predominantly … Access to agreements. Theresa Arswaga (Madrid, 1971) is a physician in the law, who specializes in family issues and master’s degrees in mediation, negotiation and conflict resolution. Eight years ago, AEC Mediation and just published “I see you, listen to you, realize you” (ED. Arpa), about this issue. A more relevant issue, even entering into force two weeks before the justice of justice law, which is forced to prove that the conflict has tried through a form of mediation or success before going to court. Four years ago, he published “No Plays”, a collection of stories that have been addressed to this same topic, but from a more narrative and literary point of view. It is not in vain of his doctoral thesis revolves around studies on laws and literature. Indeed in those stories, he pointed out that there is no coincidence that is often given between the facts on the surface of the conflict and the emotions that hide behind it.
With increased rights, frictions grow by exercising. Is the conflict in recognition of more rights?
It should not be the case if these rights are well managed and there is awareness of them. Look at what is happening, for example in a community of neighbors: There is the right to hear music and the right to rest. It is necessary to reach the agreements and coordinate what they raise. This would lead to less confrontation and more cooperation, to reach agreements before fighting. I usually appoint this example: two people create a lawsuit for some oranges. If you investigate a little in your interests, it may be discovered that one of them loves them for juice and the other on the skin, because it uses it for pastries. It is not always clear, but a deeper examination sometimes leads to discovering that it is possible to fix the problem without going to justice. This is not done, which is why the courts are increasingly saturated.
– When he goes to court, someone wins and loses someone, and this is bad if the relationship between the two parties should continue. But we want to win, give us the reason.
We have the natural position to exist in the possession of the mind. In the trial there is an attack and defense. Then the law has a standard solution that does not always adapt to what matters to the parties. That is why I think it is better to think about interests because that leads us to look at the future and our relationships in it. We want to win because we refer to the grievances of the past. But consider the divorce: It may not be more interest if we want to live calm.
Excellence position
It is the idea of jurisdiction and eggs. There are many who do not care about eggs as well as specialization. They are right, even if they won anything else with her.
– To give you the reason, it can lead to the destruction of your life. Sometimes we don’t even know why we want what we ask. We may simply want to confess. And the mind puts you in a position of excellence. Another thing is that what is useful for.
The negotiating position
“With arrogance, you get very little.”
You condemn the endurance that occurs in any conflict. It looks like a bitten fish: I also know that the other part will ask for a lot to do so that the meeting point is not closer to its real position.
– This happens because we did not enter the real negotiation culture. What is this is if there is continuity in the relationship with the other party. You can try to get the maximum that requires very and competitive if there is no more relationship later. However, as I said before, we must always see what interests are. Sometimes showing your weakness makes you go further. With arrogance you get very little.
Why is such a tendency to threaten the presence of the courts in which the conflict appears?
– We want to overwhelm this threat, although it is more likely that you are taking it, it is that it is in a hurry that will consume a lot of energy. But we do this because we believe that our image was damaged by what someone said. We live in a very sensitive society because we have a very large ego.
– He says in the book that some conflicts have not been resolved because there is no real desire to do so.
Sometimes the parties do not have an interest in reaching agreements because beyond the conflict is another thing, another problem. For example, the need for attention and recognition. Acknowledging the effort of the other party and the damages that occurred. Regardless of defects, this assumption of the resulting damage is related. Sometimes forgiveness is suspicious. It is better to listen generously, and be interested in what others feel, not defense or attack.
– The best, even if you are convinced that you are right, is to give a way out to the other part, not overcoming it?
Of course, this is what the mediator does. The worst thing is that a part he feels besieged, because the solution has not been reached. You have to save something positive from the serpent; In this way, the other party is achieved. I always recommend not to force the expression. Things can be said by attack … or giving a way out.
– And what happens when, during negotiation, the limbs are extremely extreme and even their convictions exceeded?
The conflict has a very strong interpretative part. Often, each of the hostile gesture is interpreted from the other side that feeds the story of each one. Even positive gestures are clearly interrogated. If you think someone is selfish only look at the details that support this consideration. This makes things difficult.
frustration
“It is difficult for you to rise to the level of what you think you deserve.”
He usually talks about stripping humanity that conflict requires. This happens in all areas: Sports coaches usually not refer to the teams they compete with by name. They are “competitors”.
In the sports field, you can still understand because a person relieves, generates sympathy. In politics, the opponent tends to ignore it to gain followers of your cause. Learn about the other, see your weakness, does not fit with competition. And politics has become so. In the neighborhood societies, there is a tendency to a demon of each other. On the contrary, knowing other features of these neighbors themselves outside the conflict that we have, which is how you can start talking.
– It requires elimination of many clichies.
– It is in a struggle, the facts give the same thing. The important thing is the explanation that was conducted on them. And behind every interpretation we do there is a picture of ourselves that gives us security.
– In the face of this cooperation, which speaks a great feeling of the competitiveness that has been transferred to our youth from a very early age.
This competitiveness has a good thing: voltage. The problem is to emphasize a lot; You also have to look at other things. This takes us to a good society because you compare all the time with the rest, which ends up to conflict. We will have to promote and reward cooperation. In some competitiveness there is a lot of poverty and envy.
Revenge is a reaction to preventing the damage that someone suffers from traffic without anyone noticing. That is, who hurts the other is providing future conflicts.
Revenge is a way to reflect the feeling of deficiency. The most complicated is the one who comes from discontent. You cook it and arise in the form of revenge, which gives you strength. Hate makes people feel strong.
Is resentment at the base of some ideas for ideas?
I am not talking about political resentment, which can be understood. I talk about the person who arises in equality conditions, where you cannot blame anyone else. This feeling of less, can definitely be qualified in less competitive societies. It has been proven that lack of interest or recognition at an early age is reflected on very conflicting people.
Liar
“Sometimes the parties do not want to reach the agreements because beyond the conflict is another problem.”
Is the end of discontent to be violent?
– He does not practice violence, but he is able to breathe in others, they hate to harm him.
Witness and resentment
– That is, this resentment arises because we believe that we have achieved less than what we deserve, compared to others, whom we attribute to a simple advantages and effort.
It is also very easy for everything to be a mirage. It is worth being familiar with our dignity and there are groups that are not completely achieved. We live in a society where nothing seems to be not enough for us: if we go to medical advice, we believe that they do not treat us well, or if we want to buy something in a store, or if we go to the administration office. It is difficult for you to rise to the level of what you think you deserve.
– Does this happen because we have a great concept for ourselves?
It comes to the culture of defending rights, which is very good and it was necessary, but you have to take another step. The entitlement is also a negative position and strikes you easily. This is true, we have a good concept for ourselves, but it falls easily, then we outperform. It is good to get it, but this does not generate conflicts, which occur due to the focus on them.
feelings
“Hate makes people feel strong”
– It is suggested that we accept without drama, even with humor, that we are weak and ignorant, like others. But a very exciting character is “Alpha Males”, and no one knows his weakness.
It is purely cultural. If we are absurd to those who have this position, everything will change. Greatness is to see that we are weak. The most arrogant people are weak people overcoming.
– This old statement is that the inferior complex is usually hidden after the complex of excellence.
– there. People with less complicated do not need to agree. Awareness of our weakness is what makes us cooperate. If you think you know everything, and that you dominate everything, this cooperation is not possible. You have to know vulnerable, because we, and know how to seek help.
